A note about the guy I loved before - Aldo (moving through my pain)

 I saw you and i know you saw me as well. I was so okay and feel nothing before, I was happily enjoy my morning jogging, but when I wiped my sweat with my arm, thats when I saw you were looking at me, I wanted to make sure that it is you, I know for sure that it was you, I know how exactly you walk and look at people, under the morning sun light at 8 AM, your face was shining as the sun hits your body, you still have those beautiful eyes that I always adore, same feeling I have when I saw you staring at the sky in the late afternoon sun light above someone's house, we faced the same sky, we were so fine back then. I wanted to say hi but I dont know why I was staring against you instead, pretending that I didnt see you at all. and suddenly I feel the pain in my chest again, the pain that I felt when you decided to leave me and even asked me to leave. I dont know why the pain comes to my mind the second I saw you again. I refuse to admit that maybe I'm just suddelnly missing you? I dont know, I remember how I was crying in my bed the second you ended our story, asking God to make you come back to me maybe one day, then I moved on and dont want you in my life anymore, I forget you for awhile but I dont know why this event suddenly triggers me to remember the pain you have thrown for me. It's so hurt and painful, Aldo. Why would you do that to me, Aldo? what did I do? I love you with all my heart but you said I was too good for you then ask me to tell anybody that we have no story, that is so damn cruel, Aldo. you said you have fall for me since middle school, but all you do to me is just so cruel. I remember you act like nothing happened when my birthday comes, and you told my friend that you dont dont wanna say happy birthday to me. I was so okay, we have promised that we will spend my birthday together, onlyy you and I. but at the end, I spent it alone. my friend bought a piece of cake and comfort me that you probably busy or forget, I forgive you but that really hurt, Aldo. but you know how cruel you are for me, Aldo? yet I still see you as a good man, because I believe you are a good man, I love you because of that believe I put on my head and heart. you even asked me to see you only as a vicious man, but even if you force me, I refuse to see you that way because you re not. yet, you re still the part of my beautiful story and I will never regret loving you because I know my love for you is pure, I love you even when everyone put trash on you, I love you even when you re the baddest person. I wish you good.

Letters to my spouse - 4

 Hi, it's me again.

I don't know how I feel right now, but I think I have moved on from him. I don't hate him at all, it's just I'm not longer feel the spark about him anymore. I don't know maybe it's one of his dua to make me losing feeling for him or maybe Allah is answering my dua to give me better man. I don't have anyone in my heart right now but I hope what I feel now is only for you. I ask Allah to make me fall in love with only you, my future spouse. But again, I have no idea about you at all. I don't want to waste my precious heart for anyone who is not for me anymore, I'm tired. But verily Allah will give the best man. He told me that he prayed that I will have the best husband sooner, I hope Allah listen to his dua too. If you come, I will surely give all my heart for you, I will love you as much as I can, I will cook for you everyday, I will treat you the best I can do, I will give you everything I have, just to make you happy. Insya Allah :)

Letters to My Spouse - 3

Dear, my future husband

I remember him again, when I attend my friend's wedding last night, I pray to Allah to make him you. I pray that may he become you, my future husband. I miss him a lot and everyday. I was wondering how it feels like to be a bride to him and stand beside him on the aisle. I couldn't imagine him standing there with another woman, it's so hurt, my chest feels like burned. I still cry sometimes when I think of him, I really miss him, I really love him with all my purest heart, I hope this letter will be read by him one day, as my spouse, Amiin

Letter to My Spouse - 2

 Dear, My Future Spouse.

It's been about 8 days since I feel my heartache, it's still linger on both my brain and my heart. I feel so empty, it's like there is something missing. He is so vicious. just like he always said. I hate that I still missing him a lot. I hate that I still love him with all of my heart. I try to find you, I want you to come and save me from this pain. I hate this feeling. I want to feel the love again. I keep searching for you, maybe you re the cure to all my broken hearts. but why it took so long for you to come and take me? I'm tired and I'm so done with this pain. so please come. 

Letters to my spouse - 1

Dear, My Spouse,

My Spouse that has already written in the Lauhul Mahfudz, I'm writing this letter right when I feel so upset with my love journey, I know people come and go, and I'm trying to make them stay but I could not force them to stay. There is one man that I really love right now, a man that I accept everything about him, but he always think that he is not good enough for me, he always said that he is a very bad person for me, but in my eyes, I only see him as the half of my self, I really love him the way he is but he told me I have to find a better man than him, I don't know who should I find because I'm not able to see anybody else but him anymore. All my love is only for him, unconditionally, I don't know if I can fall for anyone again or not. I always mention him in all my prayers although his name is on the last list but I never skip him even once. He always ask me to stop chasing him even through prayers, I don't know why he suddenly doesnt want me anymore. We were in love back then, March 3, I always remember this day when we both confess to each other, I told him that I love him and he told me that he also love me, I still remember his voice when he said he loves me, I miss his voice.

I'm sorry that I tell you my sad story about the man I love now. I just miss him. 

about Aldo [how we met]

"When he feels he is not good enough for me, that is when I fall for him even more."

his name is Aldo, my schoolmate in junior high school. we didn't meet very often back then but I know he is exist. I don't remember many things when we re in junior high school, I only remember him as Aldo is a billingual class student and he is smart. 

few years later, we still friends on facebook. I've seen how he really enjoy his life, his routine, his liberal thought, his girlfriend. he was really open about everything on his facebook account, he was really put an effort in appreciating his life whatever how small it is. I can see how he was so proud of being himself and appreciating things and people around him. "This guy is cool" that's what I thought but I didn't take it too personally, I like him tho, not as a lover but more like admiring how he enjoys his life.

months after that, I realized that I didn't see him in any posts anymore, where is he? I didn't really care back then, I thought he must be busy doing something or he just want to enjoy his life privately? I had no idea and just enjoying my life.

I remember that night I went to Indomaret wearing blach khimar, he was standing in front of a house beside indomaret with his friend and he called me "Avi, hi" I was "ohh hi Aldo, how are you and what are you doing?" I didn't really care at him and just off to indomaret.

few months later, we met again and I was going to indomaret too, he stopped me in front his friend's house, greet me and asked for my number, well I had his number before but I forgot how but long story short, we have each other's number again. I started to watch his whatsapp stories, still about his girlfriend and how he praise her a lot, "this man is so loving" I tought, coz the guys I met before never post and praise me at all, so I think this kind of man like Aldo who loves to praise his woman is rare. even he put his girlfriend's name on his bio, yeah I checked that too heheh.

months later,, or maybe 3 years I guess? I see him soooo different than he was before, he never flexing anymore, he still do his routine and I always enjoy his workout whatsapp stories actually, well I know I like seeing men doing their workout and he is the only one who commit in doing that since a long time, and I love this type of man who loves being healthy. 

I can see him change a lot into a good person day by day and watching his whatsapp's stories has been part of my routine coz it is just so interesting to watch, I love his thoughts, it's more mature and more "me" and so relatable. I started to reply to his stories and have some conversation with him. he's cool and so friendly. thats when I started to imagine how my life would be if he is my husband, that must be so cool to have a husband like him, he is smart, he is loyal, he is loving, he is healthy, he is amazing for sure. and I also started to find out how can I be with him as I didn't see any potential on the man that I dated at that time, so I was focusing on finished my previous relationship first and I wait for like 2 months before I try to get close to him.

during that 2 months waiting, I was still watching his stories and asked my friend who works in the same place with him on how does he like (personality) but of course I didn't make it obvious. then I cant hold my self anymore, I started to praise him a lot and I mean it. we started to talk since then, replying each other's stories, but I don't want to be in a rush in confessing how I feel towards him.

about like a month later, after I pray tahajjud and we suddenly talk to each other, talking about how he got rejected and me wanted to find a good man to lean on. and it just came out of my mouth to asked him to get to know each other and forget the woman he liked who doesn't want him. and surprisingly he said okay. I was confuse but happy at the same time, I didn't know how to respond the next day, I know I am the one who started this but I feel so dumb, I must be crazy but it is how it is.

we started to appreciating and supporting each other but I havent confess yet, I thought he would reject me. but surprisingly he is not. I remember that night, it was march 3rd, we confess to each other and tell how we feel towards each other, thats the first time I told him that I fall in love with him, I was really afraid of rejection but he told me that  I'm his crush and I always have special place in his heart since we were grade 7 in junior high school. I was speechless at first, I thought I'm the one who fell first, but it turns out that he fell first and I fell harder.

-to be continued--

25 me

 hiiiiiii, the last time I wrote about my birthday wish was when I was about 19 years old, now I'm turning 25 this month, and I cant be more happier than ever that I finally make it to this age.

my wish for my self at this age is not much, I still want to get married of course but I kind of change who I will marry with, when I was 18, I dreamed to marry a man from abroad, at that age, I found an egyptian man and our relationship only lasted for about 4,5 years. there are lots of things happen and I have to let him go. now I decided to look for a simple man with a big heart. I don't care where he come from, the matter is he loves me as much as I love him.

another wish is for me to be happy for everything I have, my family, my man, my job, my study, and every little thing happen to me also. I want my self to feel loved and blessed this year. Well, I have goals of course but I kind of like want to achieve them without being stress on it and enjoy the process. I don't want to be in a rush on everything and enjoy the moment because this life is so precious to me and I'm grateful that I'm alive and happy.

to my mom...

thankyou for not giving up on me and always listen to my stories, your advices means a lot to me, your love is unconditional. I want to be a mom like you, who is strong, independent, fun, and loving. I love you mom.

to my dad... 

thankyou for loving me, now I understand the way you love me might not the way I want to be loved but I try to understand your love language and I know you always want the best for me in every way. I love you dad.

to my brothers, Ikal and Ojan...

thankyou for always reach out to me and be my best friends in life, I love you both so much unconditionally.

to my man, Aldo...

thankyou for making my day feel so colorful each and every day with your supports, I feel so happy to be with you and I feel so loved by you. may our relationship become halal soon or later, as long as it's with you, I will always be with you. I love you.